The Secret To Finding Your Ideal Mate

 The Secret To Finding Your Ideal Mate

This technique shouldn’t be a secret. It’s only a secret because not many people know about it. It should be taught to all young people.

In early adolescence we begin to overtly take notice of members of the opposite sex. Many kids have noticed before that, but family and peer pressures forced them to be quiet. That’s why many kids go through the “I hate girls/boys” phase, depending on the gender, right before adolescence hits. They feel clumsy, awkward, ignorant of what to do to get the attention of those they have noticed.

As adolescence kicks in, hormones take over and the fact that kids don’t know what they’re doing matters less. They all know very little (though some fraudulently claim to be experts in the locker room or at sleepovers), but it doesn’t matter because they are driven by nature to find partners. Nature says “It’s time!” even if the kids don’t have much idea about what to do.

So they look, and look. Through high school they try to match up with the most attractive others they can. The most popular kids get the most dates (and the most mates, judging by the bragging), even if they aren’t the best looking.

What kids this age never seem to be told is that the kids who are the most popular in high school tend to become socially lost after that. In the real world, the wider world outside of high school, they are more average so they lose their following. And their narcissistic belief in themselves as social magnets.

The most physically attractive ones may find others as attractive, but the ones who were most popular and most attractive in high school have very poor records for choosing mates they stay with for a lifetime. In general, they have sad records on the happiness scale.

The salient point here is that young people look for the best deal they can make in a mate. They want to find “the one who is best for me.” This may or may not result in love later, but that’s not the point. It’s a selfish, self-centred approach. Eventually, that wears thin with mates who have their own interests at heart and they separate.

What young people don’t realize is that they should be trying to make themselves as attractive as possible to potential intimate friends. Dating should not be so much a matter of “What’s the best I can get?” as “What do I have to offer to someone else?”

Dating is a buyer’s market. But when the deal is closed, both parties need to be happy with the arrangement. That means that someone looking for a new dating partner needs to have enough to offer to potential dates to make them worth the investment by the other.

When kids look for the best they can get, the results usually reflect the self-centred approach. Those who make themselves attractive as mates will have the best chance at attracting the kind of partner they hope to find. They have something to give rather than wanting to take something.

Think of it this way. Walking through a parking lot, you likely wouldn’t bend down to pick up a penny (unless you’re superstitious). Some won’t even bend down to pick up a quarter. Most everyone would reach down to grab a $10 bill. The $10 bill has a value far beyond that of the small coins.

In the dating market, potential partners look for mates with the most value, with the greatest potential to fulfill as many of the items on their mate wish list as possible. The shiny quarters may look good, but they usually get discarded after a while. Or they get cast off or traded in for something better, someone with more personal value to them.

Dating is a prelude to marriage for most people, according to the tradition of nature. In marriage we want different things, seek different values, than we do when dating in high school.

Almost no one meets the love of their lifetime in high school. The reason may be that we’re all looking for attractive and popular partners for short term relationships, while we want people with real value, lasting value, for long term relationships such as marriage.

The secret? Build value into yourself. Make yourself valuable to the partner you want. To make that relationship last, never forget that when you don’t offer your partner the value he or she expects, something will go tragically wrong. Real value lasts a lifetime if you want your relationship to last that long.

People look for others with different characteristics, so no one will work for all. You can choose values for yourself that you would want to find in others. Make sure you demonstrate those values and don’t lose track of them later.

Someone with values similar to yours is looking for you. If you’re looking for a mate, advertise your values and state clearly the values you are looking for in a mate. That may turn off most, but it will get the attention of the ones who will matter to you.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how, what and when to teach children the knowledge they need to lead successful adult lives, including finding the right mates.
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