The Secret To Finding Your Ideal Mate

 The Secret To Finding Your Ideal Mate

This technique shouldn’t be a secret. It’s only a secret because not many people know about it. It should be taught to all young people.

In early adolescence we begin to overtly take notice of members of the opposite sex. Many kids have noticed before that, but family and peer pressures forced them to be quiet. That’s why many kids go through the “I hate girls/boys” phase, depending on the gender, right before adolescence hits. They feel clumsy, awkward, ignorant of what to do to get the attention of those they have noticed.

As adolescence kicks in, hormones take over and the fact that kids don’t know what they’re doing matters less. They all know very little (though some fraudulently claim to be experts in the locker room or at sleepovers), but it doesn’t matter because they are driven by nature to find partners. Nature says “It’s time!” even if the kids don’t have much idea about what to do.

So they look, and look. Through high school they try to match up with the most attractive others they can. The most popular kids get the most dates (and the most mates, judging by the bragging), even if they aren’t the best looking.

What kids this age never seem to be told is that the kids who are the most popular in high school tend to become socially lost after that. In the real world, the wider world outside of high school, they are more average so they lose their following. And their narcissistic belief in themselves as social magnets.

The most physically attractive ones may find others as attractive, but the ones who were most popular and most attractive in high school have very poor records for choosing mates they stay with for a lifetime. In general, they have sad records on the happiness scale.

The salient point here is that young people look for the best deal they can make in a mate. They want to find “the one who is best for me.” This may or may not result in love later, but that’s not the point. It’s a selfish, self-centred approach. Eventually, that wears thin with mates who have their own interests at heart and they separate.

What young people don’t realize is that they should be trying to make themselves as attractive as possible to potential intimate friends. Dating should not be so much a matter of “What’s the best I can get?” as “What do I have to offer to someone else?”

Dating is a buyer’s market. But when the deal is closed, both parties need to be happy with the arrangement. That means that someone looking for a new dating partner needs to have enough to offer to potential dates to make them worth the investment by the other.

When kids look for the best they can get, the results usually reflect the self-centred approach. Those who make themselves attractive as mates will have the best chance at attracting the kind of partner they hope to find. They have something to give rather than wanting to take something.

Think of it this way. Walking through a parking lot, you likely wouldn’t bend down to pick up a penny (unless you’re superstitious). Some won’t even bend down to pick up a quarter. Most everyone would reach down to grab a $10 bill. The $10 bill has a value far beyond that of the small coins.

In the dating market, potential partners look for mates with the most value, with the greatest potential to fulfill as many of the items on their mate wish list as possible. The shiny quarters may look good, but they usually get discarded after a while. Or they get cast off or traded in for something better, someone with more personal value to them.

Dating is a prelude to marriage for most people, according to the tradition of nature. In marriage we want different things, seek different values, than we do when dating in high school.

Almost no one meets the love of their lifetime in high school. The reason may be that we’re all looking for attractive and popular partners for short term relationships, while we want people with real value, lasting value, for long term relationships such as marriage.

The secret? Build value into yourself. Make yourself valuable to the partner you want. To make that relationship last, never forget that when you don’t offer your partner the value he or she expects, something will go tragically wrong. Real value lasts a lifetime if you want your relationship to last that long.

People look for others with different characteristics, so no one will work for all. You can choose values for yourself that you would want to find in others. Make sure you demonstrate those values and don’t lose track of them later.

Someone with values similar to yours is looking for you. If you’re looking for a mate, advertise your values and state clearly the values you are looking for in a mate. That may turn off most, but it will get the attention of the ones who will matter to you.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how, what and when to teach children the knowledge they need to lead successful adult lives, including finding the right mates.
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Making Life Worth Living

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.
– Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

“If I were any better, I’d have to be twins.” I suspect my friend who says that regularly may not have “graduated” from grade school. He has never had the luxury of unassigned cash to do with as he liked because he has raised two families of children, much of it on his own as his wives left him. To him, buying a good cup of coffee from a coffee shop is a luxury because he doesn’t have to make his own.

Yet that is the reply he usually gives when someone asks him “How’s it goin’?”

He won’t burden you with his troubles because he knows you have your own. As he can’t likely help you with your problems and most people don’t care enough to help him with his, he doesn’t talk about them.

He talks to God. God, he claims, has been good to him. Though he prays daily–often for others, including me and my wife– when he is in a particularly big fix he knows he can’t handle, he prays extra hard for help. Without fail, something happens and each situation gets resolved. Always.

Now mostly retired (his income is secure), he volunteers at a drop-in centre for teens in the village where he lives. As odd and assorted kids stop by his apartment unexpectedly and consider his home their second and him more of a father than their own, “The Hub” centre is a good fit. He may even take over as its director since he lives closest of the volunteers and the teens (the youngest is 11, but was already on his way to becoming a gangster) act mature and trustworthy when he’s around.

His reward is seeing kids turn their lives around. He feels good about it.

Another friend calls several times each week to tell me his problems. He always has more than his share of problems because he repairs computers, usually for big companies whose employees abuse their equipment and fail to protect them with antivirus and antispyware programs regularly. Getting warranty claims resolved positively is almost impossible, people always want their computers back yesterday and some don’t want to pay him for months (if ever).

I listen. When he calls to rant, I listen. Sometimes I put my work on hold for an hour or more, but I listen. By the time we hang up, his previously big problems seem nothing more than speed bumps on the highway of life.

Life for this second friend is rocky, filled with ups and downs. The downs don’t last long because he feels pretty good when we get off the phone. When it’s too early to call me, he exercises, roughly the way an Olympic athlete would exercise, to that level of intensity. Though he will count 65 birthdays as of this year, his brain kicks out the dopamine to make him feel good when he works to his physical limit.

He goes for physical therapy on his hand a couple of times each week and other visits for his bad knee, which has a nasty habit of locking, throwing him headlong onto something that is usually hard. He went through a wooden step in the first place that resulted in his knee being banged up, causing him more pain in a day (he can’t sleep longer than four hours) than most people suffer in a year, or ten. Sometimes the locked knee causes him to be thrown down stairs, which is how he wrecked his hand.

But life’s pretty good for him.

These two men use their minds to make their lives good, worth living. Wayne Dyer doesn’t know them, but if he did he would use them as examples in his speeches and seminars.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how to teach children to approach life positively so that they can lead physically and psychologically healthy adult lives. And to be good mothers and fathers themselves.
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Fault Finding Hurts And Damages

Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.
– Zig Ziglar

Let’s first off make a major distinction between finding fault and offering ways and means for correction and improvement. Finding fault is destructive, while offering constructive criticism should be seen as coming from someone who cares.

Some say that fault finders want to raise themselves up by bringing others down, that they want, in effect, to climb over the broken bodies of those they vanquished. I disagree with that analysis. Fault finders have very low opinions of themselves–perhaps hate themselves sometimes–and want to bring others low so that they feel they are not alone at the bottom of the social heap. They may not seem insecure, but they are. So are bullies, who fit as well into this analysis as fault finders.

Fault finders have something missing in their lives, something critical to their wellbeing. It could be described as a feeling of self worth. But lacking a feeling of self worth or self esteem makes it seem as if these people are responsible for their own problems. They are surely responsible for how they deal with their problems, but not how they found themselves in that position in the first place.

The origins of lacking self esteem or self worth lie in childhood. It’s often attributed to a lack of love or a lack of time spent by at least one parent with the child. No child understands time not spent by parents on them. Their whole lives revolve around learning about their world. The foundation of that world is their parents. When parents don’t spend enough time with their children, they leave the foundation of the lives of their children unsecured.

There is no such thing as “quality time.” That’s a euphemism, an excuse, an alibi for parents giving something else greater importance than their children. Kids have no concept of “quality time.” To them, there’s time spent and time not spent. They keep mental notes. Time not spent hurts.

As to the lack of love, that is quite subjective. Many people, especially those who live hectic lives in modern cities, do not have a clear concept of what love is. They may not have grown up with love in their lives, so they have no idea how to look for it in their mates and little concept of how to give it to their children. They try. In my long career as a sociologist and teacher I have rarely met a parent who has not tried to be a good parent, to the best of their abilities.

If they lack ability in parenting, it’s because they were not given parenting information and taught parenting skills before they needed them.

The children may also have lacked touch by parents. Loving touch is only now being discovered to contribute to the wellbeing of children, including to their health. When kids lack touch by people who love them, they feel alienated from their world. They create strange worlds for themselves, worlds that often do not correspond well to the world their parents want them to live in.

When they reach adulthood, they continue to treat others with the same lack of love and touch, especially their own families, because they don’t know what others need, never having learned the lessons themselves. They often lack self esteem, which they exhibit by criticizing others. Sometimes it takes the form of bullying.

Critics, of the destructive variety, lack love and touch in their lives, at least a sufficient amount of it to give them balance, peace and a healthy measure of self respect.

Those who offer help in the form of constructive criticism may be misunderstood by those who lack sufficient self esteem and self respect (self love) as being critics. That partly explains why so many well meaning people stop trying to help others, because they have been rejected, rebuffed and even attacked by those they tried to help in the past.

By the time someone misinterprets constructive criticism (help) from others as destructive criticism, they have already reached the point of being firmly in the position of lacking self respect and love themselves.

One common characteristic of people who lack love, who lack the ability to sympathize or empathize with others, who don’t know how to achieve self respect, self love or self esteem is that they vehemently deny it. Very few people, other than the most humble, will admit that they don’t know how to find love, to show love or to give love. Even love of themselves.

These are hard lessons to learn. Just as a person who was once addicted to something is always a recovering addict, someone who once lacked love, loving touch and self respect will always be in the state of recovering from it, even if they learn the skills.

If people don’t learn these thing as children, they tend to live the rest of their lives in a state of recovery, even if they have learned and found what they needed. In other words, even the most secure person who has found these treasures as an adult will “fall off the wagon” once in a while, will succumb to self doubt and insecurity. They, too, will usually deny this. However, having once found what they needed, they usually recover.

The only real solution to this deficit in the lives of so many adults is to teach new parents what they should know to give their children what they need. Since so many of today’s adults don’t have that knowledge or those skills, the fastest way to get them into the right hands is to actively teach them in classes, such as at night school.

Just as Lamaze classes have become immensely popular because young adults want to know how to get through the birthing process properly, classes in parenting would be extremely popular with young adults because they want to be good parents.

They want to be good parents. They need the opportunity to learn.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book for parents and teachers about what they need to learn to give children what they need, when they need it. It’s a lifeline, a starter course in book form.
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Stuff You Probably Didn’t Want To Know About The US Surgeon General

Stuff You Probably Didn’t Want To Know About The US Surgeon General

Created in 1871, the post of Surgeon General of the United States was the top position in the Marine Hospital Service. The SG’s job was to stop the spread of diseases carried to US shores by merchant marines.

John Maynard Woodworth, the first to hold the post, developed a mobile group of doctors called the Commissioned Corps. Until 1971, the Surgeon General served in the Commissioned Corps. Since then the SG’s only commitment has been to agree with everything the US president says.

The Commissioned Corps remains today as one of only seven services of the United States government that completes its work in uniform (not including postal carriers).

During the First World War, SG Rupert Blue included cigarettes as part of the basic field rations kit issued to men fighting in the US military.

It wasn’t until 1964 that Surgeon General Luther Terry published a report accusing tobacco smoke as one of the prime causes of cancer. This triggered both the Cigarette Labelling and Advertising Act and an enormous campaign by Big Tobacco to deny, bribe, obfuscate studies and intimidate politicians in the position of passing legislation that would limit the profits of tobacco companies.

President George H.W. Bush’s Surgeon General, Antonia Novello, continued the assault on Big Tobacco. Her brother-in-law, Don Novello, played the role of chain-smoking priest Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live and at other comedy venues.

Back in 1930, then Surgeon General Hugh Cumming initiated the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment. Its purpose was to study the effects of untreated syphilis in African American men. Again, that’s cases of syphilis among African American men who received absolutely no treatment. The program continued under the next six Surgeons General.

The Tuskegee study was stopped only in 1973 was it was declared unethical, the judgment being that it’s not healthy to leave syphilis untreated, no matter what skin colour a victim has. Fortunately, as syphilis (the treponema pallidum spirochete) can be transmitted through placenta, the study was not carried out with African American women.

In 1981, President Reagan’s Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, gained notoriety by writing candidly about the risks of AIDS. In a brochure he had mailed to every house in the United States, he wrote about sexuality and the dangers of unprotected sex.

Though he withstood the uproar his little publication aroused for bringing the subject of sex to public notice, the first black Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders, didn’t fare so well. She wanted sex education to be taught in schools so that kids would grow up knowing how to protect themselves from AIDS when they became sexually active. She was fired after only 15 months, the shortest term of any SG.

At a United Nations conference on AIDS, Elders was asked about masturbation as an alternative to sexual intercourse. She supported the idea. Alas, the morality police (once they recovered from swallowing their tongues in shock that anyone would even say the word masturbation out loud) went to work and made short work of her career. No audio or video tapes of that question and reply exist today, so her exact words remain unknown except to a few who were there in person.

Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona, under President George W. Bush, was asked to censor his reports on embryonic stem cell research, contraception and his opinions about abstinence-only as a method of contraception studied in sex education classes. Bush also asked Carmona to sprinkle Bush’s name at least three times on each page of every speech he gave.

Draconian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu of Romania, subsequently executed, was also known to insist that scientists include the name of their revered president in their speeches and writings.

SG Carmona was at one time a high school dropout. However, he received the Gold-Headed Cane award for his outstanding service with the Vietnam Special Forces. He also served as a paramedic and nurse. He went on to be a top graduate at the University of California Medical school.

President Dubya’s nomination for Surgeon General of James W. Holsinger received great resistance because of Holsinger’s reputation as anti-gay. In writing for the United Methodist Church, in 1991, he claimed that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy. Subsequently, studies have shown that homosexuals have a few notable physiological differences from heterosexuals, not the least being a considerable difference in the size of one part of their brain. No one knows why that is, yet.

Acting Surgeon General Robert A. Whitney, who served as SG between Novello and Elders, was a veterinarian. Despite jokes to the contrary, the US health infrastructure did not go to the dogs on Whitney’s watch.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how, when and what to teach children so they know enough to live healthy lives as adults.
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Primary resource: Discover, October 2007

Objectives: Peace And Happiness

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
– Mitch Hedberg, stand-up comicGood line. Seems like one you would laugh at then throw away. Let’s look closer.

“I’m sick of following my dreams.” If you take the words literally, he has followed something but doesn’t know what the destination is. Without knowing the objective or goal of a project, it would be hard to commit to it.

Imagine someone dreaming about peace in the world. Something many people wish for, but don’t take seriously. They don’t take it seriously because they have no idea how peace could be accomplished. They might take some initiatives, such as attending a seminar or being part of a demonstration for peace, but these activities are usually without goals or objectives (other than to advance the careers or reputations of the organizers).

It wouldn’t take long or participation in many events for peace before most people would realize that it’s a wish without a goal or even a plan to achieve it.

What would peace in the world look like? Surely genocide such as we have seen all too often in the past century would be a thing of the past. War might be forbidden, by international decree, with intervention by the United Nations (an independent security force) or some future version of NATO being a requirement where two or more parties seemed unwilling or unable to participate in dialogue.

Compared to today, Iraq was peaceful before the fall of Saddam and Afghanistan was at peace before the fall of the Taliban. Would rule by an iron-fisted theocracy be acceptable, or a dictatorship where one culture dominated others within the same country be tolerated?

Looking closer to home (for those of us not in war zones), would pharmaceutical companies still be able to control medical studies and sway democratic governments to make people believe that living unhealthy lifestyles and taking drugs to try to fix what we broke ourselves be allowed to continue?

Most health authorities with a conscience agree that too many people live unhealthy lifestyles that cause them to contract cancer, diabetes and dozens of other afflictions, resulting in their deaths much earlier than the average. Would democratic governments in peacetime fund and promote the results of fair studies so that everyone would know what their bodies need and what kinds of activities would compromise their health?

Would oil companies that now make fortunes daily by supplying fuel to fighting militaries settle for simply providing fuel for homes and vehicles and industries that manufacture hundreds of the items most of us use every day?

Would our religions that have continued to gain our attention, devotion and contributions for centuries be able to convert from their violence-supporting ways to teaching us how to live in harmony? No other existing agencies could manage such a mammoth task.

Peace, like many dreams, remains elusive so long as we don’t have a clear idea of what it would mean. We can’t reach an objective if we don’t know what objective to aim for. Most people, I suspect, would have little idea what a world at peace would be like and how life would change for them.

Peace can only be achieved one person at a time, one mind at a time, one life at a time. Until we can feel peace within ourselves, we can never know peace in our families, our communities, our countries or the world.

Peace, like happiness, begins within ourselves. If we look for them from others, we will never achieve them.

Each of us is like a state within one body. Until that state is at peace within itself, it can’t manage to have peaceful relations with other states. Until the state is happy with itself, it will have trouble being happy with others.

Dream what you like, but know the objective you want or you will never achieve it.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how, when and what to teach children so that they can lead peaceful and healthy adult lives, even if their parents grew up on a different kind of environment.
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Becoming Better Than The Rest

Do not be content with showing friendship in words alone, let your heart burn with loving kindness for all who may cross your path.
– Abdul Baha, one of the founders and an early leader of the Baha’i faith

This advice not only proves difficult to employ, but it’s unnatural. In nature, while adults may work together for mutual gain on some occasions within a limited number of species, much of the time “others” are the enemy, competitors for food, mating and resting locations.

Why should we have loving kindness for others when nature tells us that they are enemies and competitors? Moreover, why should we treat them with loving kindness when they care very little or not at all for us?

Because we tell each other that we are different from other animals. Acting instinctively–as nature dictates–makes us no different from other animals.

How can we rise above our natural instincts to be better than other animals? The same way we came to believe that we are better than other animals. We learned that. We can learn how to act the role rather than just pretending that we are better.

That requires us to learn from others who have the knowledge and skills to share with us how to be better. They are few. Others who will teach us humanized ways of being no better than any other animal surround us. Our news, stock market reports, reality shows, beauty pageants, even the various Apprentice programs of Donald Trump show us how to be “natural,” to be humanized apes. And they work. People learn from them and they like them.

Those who know how to be better are reserved about demonstrating their knowledge and skills publicly. Jesus of Nazareth did and see how his own people (fellow Jews) treated him in his last days. The Islamic Prophet Mohammed did. His enemies vowed to annihilate him, but instead he roused his people and became a great warrior and conqueror. Neither of those choices comes easy for most of us.

Many are those who will teach us how to live lives of peace. Their teaching often comes in the form of a religion, which allows them the option of receiving “donations” for their teachings.

The truest teachers don’t want us to be just learners. Instead they want us to learn ourselves, then to teach others. Living life on a higher plain than humanized apes requires those who know to teach those who want to learn.

It doesn’t require us to kill anyone, to become a warrior or to be crucified. Just to learn, offer to teach, then to follow through if our offer is accepted.

Our world does not suffer from a lack of good people. We have too few good leaders who will teach. Without them, we now have few people who publicly state that they would like to learn. Without teachers, the students revile learning. Others have turned to leaders with more earthly motives, leaders who want you to ape (follow) them.

We each were born with free will, the freedom to choose what we want to do with our lives. The first step is to find out what the options are. Second is to choose wisely, then commit to living that way and to teaching it to those who want to learn.

Remember, those who want us to choose their humanized ape lifestyles are extremely aggressive about promoting their philosophy of life. Lacking much opposition from opposing beliefs, they are winning the hearts and minds of a large majority of people all over the world.

The wise among us need not become warriors or be aggressive. But we shouldn’t be quiet either. The leaders with the most effective propaganda win. Noisy or not.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book of blueprints for teaching children, plans that are already being used by the leaders of industry and need to be used as effectively by those who want something better.
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Rise Above The Dumbosity Of Others

Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it.
– Rene Descartes, philosopher and mathematician (1596-1650)

This way of dealing with offences would be very difficult today because so many people act in offensive ways, by intention and by their neglect of commitments they have made.

Developer of the dualistic theory (or philosophy) of mind and matter–everything we know can be designated to one category or the other–Descartes fully believed that more exists than can be attributed to either matter or energy. Science today tries to teach us different from that, claiming that anything beyond matter and energy is pure fantasy or hallucination.

Using this theory of everything that is known, called materialism, science today encourages us to believe that anything that cannot be proven to exist or that at least doesn’t have the potential to be proven is nothing more than imagination. That includes the concept of God, which materialists believe is fantasy.

So believers in materialism have created their own god, known to some as manna, to others as money. They believe that any activity that has nothing to do with either the acquisition of money (including investing it) or the spending of money is worthless, time wasted. Money, they claim, has provable value.

One of the key problems of materialists attributing so much to human imagination is that imagination cannot be designated as either energy or matter. Imagination, itself, defies category in materialist terms. So does free will. So do ESP (extra-sensory perception), presentiment, telepathy, premonition, foreboding, precognition, the Evil Eye (some form of which exists in almost every culture on earth) and even the sense of being started at or watched from behind you. An abundance of both carefully conducted scientific experimentation and collected anecdotes exists to prove all of these.

As one Indian materialist scientist told me recently, “I like living in a world where I know that everything can be proven to exist.” As I have a great deal of respect for the intellect of this man, I held myself back from telling him that I refused to believe that he exists because he might be nothing more than a fraudulent persona on the Internet.

Sometimes we just have to rise above temptations that will serve no good to engage in. That’s the point Descartes was making. Sometimes the issues simply aren’t worth the trouble. Often the offender isn’t.

To have the ability to detach yourself from the temptation to engage in worthless debate or argument with no possibility of concluding satisfactorily because at least one party persists in intellectual blindness is one clear mark of wisdom.

Refusing to engage in debate or argument where you might lose, but gain knowledge in the process, does not qualify as wisdom. It qualifies as intellectual cowardice.

The world is filled with people who function barely above the level of retardedness. It doesn’t need any more people who are reticent about participating in discussion on topics other than work, the weather or sports for fear of being shown up as knowing very little.

It’s amazing how much you can learn by losing an argument you thought out well and presented with confidence. Or by listening with a critical ear.

Humankind did not get this far in its evolution by avoiding thinking. Though, to judge by many people we meet each day, you might wonder.

Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today’s Epidemic Social Problems, a book about how, when and what to teach children so that they can be lifelong learners who will not step back from fruitful discussion and learning or teaching opportunities.
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